Leadership in the Family and Gender Differences (a revelation)

I was watching my daughters play with a friend from church and I was struck by a sudden profound revelation that impacts how married couples view leadership and why, at least in part, we struggle in our marriages. 

As I said, I was watching the girls play when I realized that girls determine leadership very differently than boys.  The girls decided on a general theme for the game, "school."  Then the battle began.  Everyone started trying to make the rules for the game: who would be the teacher, the students, sit in which desk, etc.  The leader of the group was the one who finally asserted her will and was allowed to make the rule for the game.  For girls, the leader is the rule maker.

Growing up, I was one of three brothers.  When we decided to play a game the rules were agreed upon prior to beginning the game.  Eg. Kickball:  Number of outs, boundaries, can you get someone out by hitting them with the ball, etc. are all determined at the outset.  The leader is determined by who picks the team.  For boys, the leader is the team captain.

Can you see how different these two methods of determining leadership are?  Now, consider the impact that this has on our spousal relationships.  Who is the leader in the household according to these two different methods?  The husband thinks that he is the leader of a game (marriage) whose rules are set.  He is the leader because he picked the team (he gave her a ring and asked her to be on his team).  He is the team captain, and when you are the captain you are the leader for the duration of the game ('till death do us part!).

The woman goes into the relationship with the expectation that they have agreed upon a general premise of play (marriage), but the leader will be determined by who makes the rules.  So, early on in the new relationship she begins to establish her leadership by changing (or determining) the rules of the game!

Can you see the chaos that can ensue?  The husband thinks the rules are set and the wife keeps changing them.  But every boy knows that you can't change the rules once the game starts!  The wife, however, cannot understand when her husband is having such a hard time adjusting to the rule changes on the fly.  After all, every girl knows that the leader has the right and is full expected to exert her authority by adjusting the rules in the middle of the game.  It is the followers job to keep up and adapt. 

The way that we learn how leadership is determined and exercised, according to our gender, impacts our expectations of marriage in our spouse, but we are playing with two very different expectations. These two views of leadership within the marriage are not only incongruent, they are incompatible. Both think they are the leader, and are likely making each other crazy because the other is not playing according to the same leadership definitions and expectations.

Let me know what you think.  I could be crazy...just ask my wife!